Caught in the Middle: How to Talk About Homosexuality

Written by Jonathan Inman

 

We often find ourselves in awkward situations in which holding to a biblical view of homosexuality will be controversial. In the office, at school, at a party, at church, in conversations with family, friends or neighbors — talking about what you believe concerning homosexuality can be very difficult. 

 

When talking with people who believe homosexuality is an acceptable lifestyle option, suggesting that homosexuality is sinful can appear stupid and rude — if not homophobic, unloving and abusive. When dealing with people who think homosexuals are simply sick perverts, it can appear wishy-washy, compromising, liberal and unbiblical to suggest that God loves and forgives sinners who struggle with homosexuality, and that we should do the same. 

 

Different people are tempted in different ways when placed in these situations. Many of us want to sidestep the issue and avoid an unpleasant incident, concerned that the gospel message will get lost or distorted in the conflict, or that people will get the wrong impression and no longer listen. Sometimes we just don’t want to bother with the hassle. Others of us can get so frustrated with those who hold to and promote destructive falsehoods that we show little Christ-likeness as we set out to clearly indicate exactly how we think the persons with whom we are speaking are wrong. 

 

The issue of homosexuality takes these rather common relational dynamics and amplifies them. Discussion of homosexuality evokes strong emotions and responses, especially when people disagree, and touches on fundamental convictions about right and wrong, love and justice, heaven and hell. The responsibility of Christians to be both prophets and peacemakers in the midst of heated debate requires us to turn again to the Scriptures for guidance as to how we should represent Christ in a fallen world. 

 

Patiently Listen 

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” (James 1:19-20)

 

Don’t just listen for opportunities to find fault or critique. Listen to understand how others feel and think. Listen for what matters to the other people, what they value, what they fear. If you don’t understand something, ask questions that encourage the person with whom you are speaking to explain better their position. When a factual claim is made, politely ask to have it substantiated with reference to a verifiable source.

 

You can learn a lot, and demonstrate the kind of respectful hearing you would like to receive. The more you understand an opposing viewpoint, the more you can gain from it. More often than not, folks that are strongly mistaken in one respect are especially perceptive in another. The more you affirm what is true in someone’s perspective, the more you can sensitively and credibly address what is errant. 

 

Listening is difficult. It takes discipline, humility and effort. In this era of sound bites and short attention spans, it can be hard to resist the temptation to speak out at the first opportunity. Listen first, and ask questions to make sure you understand what someone is saying. Let them know you are really listening to them, even though you may disagree. More often than not, the disagreements people have are more complicated than they could possibly work out in the normal course of polite conversation. Attentive listening can pave the way for more serious discussion at a later point. “Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city” (Proverbs 16:32).

 

Carefully Discern 

“Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself. Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes.” (Proverbs 26:4-5)

 

Any deviation in thought, word or deed from God’s revealed will in the Scriptures is what the Bible calls “foolishness.” While we should be hesitant to label any person a fool, the Bible is not bashful about saying that some ideas and conduct are foolish and wrong. How we think and how we act matter. Foolishness is something to which we are all vulnerable. While someone may be foolishly espousing defiant falsehoods, it would be equally foolish to be provoked by them into carrying ourselves or thinking in an unwise fashion. Not every situation calls for the same response. It is possible to obey God by both speaking and refraining, depending on the circumstances. Making the right response requires discernment. 

 

Sometimes we need to answer directly someone’s foolishness. At other times it may be appropriate to, as it were, let their foolishness speak for itself. Sometimes people will want to oversimplify things into a “Have you stopped beating your wife?” kind of question — no matter how you answer you will concede their point. Sometimes people will be talking about love or justice, when really they are just defending licentiousness or prejudice. Sometimes people just want to know if you care about what is happening with them or someone they are close to. By listening and discerning, it is possible to speak to the real issues underlying people’s arguments, without being trapped by someone else’s foolishness. “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted (Galatians 6:1).”

 

Foolishness is delusional, making the foolish person wise in their own estimation. As hard as it can be to admit that someone else with whom we disagree is right about something, we are all familiar with how hard it can be to admit when we are wrong, especially if others are watching. Do not be surprised that people will hold foolish convictions with loud impatience. We cannot always, by the power of our persuasive skills, “bring someone around” to a more biblical point of view. When discussing something as complex and controversial as homosexuality, we may not always have “the” answer that will end all argument. We can always provide an example in thought, word and deed that commends itself without argument. 

 

Personally Repent 

Now there were some present at that time who told Jesus about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mixed with their sacrifices. Jesus answered, “Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered this way? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish. Or those eighteen who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them–do you think they were more guilty than all the others living in Jerusalem? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.” (Luke 13:1-5)

 

Before we can talk about someone else’s sin (be it homosexuality, false teaching, or hatred towards people different from ourselves), Jesus calls us to come clean about our own sin. It is easy for us to think that, because we have a right point to make, our motives in making that point are also right. What are you wanting to achieve when you answer someone? Do you want to win an argument? Do you want to assure yourself that you are not a coward by standing up for the Lord? Do you want someone to approve of you? Do you want to care about this person, or do you just want them to shut up? Do you trust God to accomplish his purposes despite what this person is saying or doing, or do you think you have to make it happen yourself? Are you trying to make a wrong world right, a messy world neat, a complex world simple, or are you trying to love and help people made in God’s image who live with you in a complicated and fallen world? 

 

Especially in heated discussion or debate, there is usually ample opportunity for everyone on every side to examine their motives and actions and come up short. It is always easier to see someone else’s faults than it is to see our own. Only when we have experienced God’s forgiveness of our sin can we responsibly recommend that grace to others. We need the kind of maturity that desires, not so much for people to be shown wrong, but for them to be loved and forgiven in the same way we have been loved and forgiven in Christ. Then we can speak the truth of the gospel with the compassion with which God has spoken that same truth to us.

 

“How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:4-5)

 

Gently Instruct 

“Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.” (2 Timothy 2:23-26)

 

There is a difference between obedient witness and stupid arguments, between quarreling and kindness, between gentle instruction and resentful pontificating. While we often equate boldness with sternness, or instruction with insistence, the Bible calls us to be both wise and gentle. This means preparing ourselves, both our minds and our hearts, in advance. We should not assume that our beliefs and attitudes are always correct, but instead we should look to be instructed from God’s Word ourselves before we presume to instruct others. 

 

We need to take time on a regular basis both to learn from God’s Word and to study the arguments made against it. We need to pray for God to conform us to the likeness of Christ whom we seek to serve, even as we talk with those who would deny him with their words or actions. Jesus said, “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” (Matthew 10:16)

 

We are called to gracious disagreement, humble opposition, gentle instruction. Speaking God’s truth will inevitably create conflict. We need to make every effort to have that truth – and not our sinful attitudes and actions – be the cause of such conflict. Many times people will object so vehemently to the truth of the gospel that your gentle manner will speak louder than any words. We are not required to argue someone into repentance, or to be completely perfect in our attitudes, in order for God to accomplish his purposes.

 

It is God who leads people to repentance. Our responsibility is to be faithful to God and to his word, and to give him glory as he works out his will through us his earthen vessels. “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:4-5) 

 

Mercifully Pursue 

“Be merciful to those who doubt; snatch others from the fire and save them; to others show mercy, mixed with fear — hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.” (Jude 22-23)

 

God calls us to be neither reclusive nor rude, but instead to move boldly into confusing, high stakes situations with the gospel of God’s mercy. We must bring the gospel of God’s grace where it is most needed: to the vocally anti-Christian pro-gay activist, or to the mild-mannered clergy who says the love of Jesus means affirming homosexuality as God’s gift; to the quietly confused and scared teenager, or to the frantic parent; to the silently shattered spouse, or to the respectable and bigoted conservative. All of these people need God’s mercy in Christ. Mercy is more than giving people your opinion in a conversation — it means practically caring for them as opportunity allows, with your time, attention, compassion and assistance. 

 

Showing mercy does not mean turning a blind eye to sin. On the contrary, it means taking sin very seriously, and seeking to help people immersed in its consequences. This doesn’t mean being pushy with your help when it is not welcome. It does mean being patiently and persistently available to help those who live in a fallen world. Sometimes just being willing to talk without arguing can be the most merciful thing you can do. Sometimes saying what you believe in a way that doesn’t require a person to agree or disagree can create space in which they can think about what they believe without feeling under pressure to have an answer. 

 

Sometimes showing mercy means building relationships with people you might not want to be close to; sometimes it may mean setting or respecting boundaries in relationships despite what people think. Mercy may be the last thing you want to show someone that you see as perpetrating harmful sin against themselves or others. Yet this is how God has revealed His mercy to us, and this is how He has called us to represent Him to others. 

 

Some people don’t want to hear about God’s righteousness; others don’t want to hear about his mercy. Others are caught in the middle, thinking they have to choose between Christ and compassion, truth and love. It takes courage and humility, patience and persistence to listen, discern, repent, instruct and pursue as we should. To be Christ-like requires us to be more than we are, to look to and depend upon Him who can make us like Himself. 

 

“With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.” (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12) 

 

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Originally published by the title, “Guidelines for Christians CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE.” Copyright 1999, 2000 HARVEST USA. All rights reserved.

Healing Through Building the Body of Christ: Every Christian a Lazarus

Written by Robbi Kenney

 

Jesus called Lazarus out of his tomb, and there the man stood to the bewilderment of all those who had been his friends, and knew him to be dead and rotting for four days. The impossible had been done! Jesus had raised a man from the dead. The Lord then turned to his followers and commanded, “Unbind him, and let him go.” (John 11:44) 

 

He repeats this miracle in the lives of those the church has given up on — calling men and women out of the gay life, setting them free. The world and the church say, “Impossible!” but it’s happening all around us, and the Lord is turning to His body and saying, “Remove their grave-clothes.” They can’t do it themselves. They have been bound hand and foot. Although they are alive in Christ, those from homosexual backgrounds need assistance in shedding the old ways. 

 

Every Christian is a Lazarus, inasmuch as everyone needs help becoming the person God intends for them to be. Each believer is also in the position of giving help to others, so it is a constant two-way street. 

 

By becoming a Christian, we enter into relationships automatically with other members of the Body of Christ. We become a part of the universal church. But it isn’t enough to float around, unconnected to an individual fellowship. Lone Ranger Christianity won’t facilitate healing from homosexuality. Maintaining celibacy will be easy if you stay away from everyone and be a hermit, but you never learn purity and self-control by avoiding all situations that might provoke temptation. You learn how to follow Jesus in the midst of tempting circumstances. Tempting circumstances arise when you begin to give and receive love in the context of the Body of Christ. God doesn’t want us merely to learn how to stay out of sin, He wants to teach us how to be transformed into His image. We learn that by coming to love each other as he loves us. 

 

You Have A Place In The Body 

Specialized ministries like Love In Action act as a bridge for people getting into the fellowship of the Body of Christ. It can never be a substitute for the Body because it is too limited in its focus. It can only provide a practice ground for relating to others and showing how the Word of God can be applied in the life of someone coming from a homosexual background. Real life is out there in the Body. Eventually, everyone must make the transition away from getting their spiritual nourishment from a specialized ministry, to getting it in a local body. 

 

Every member has a function, a place in the body of Christ. (I Corinthians 12:12-21). It takes a while to find out what our place is in the local body. Church-hopping makes discovering how to fit in hard because there’s no continuity in relationships. The best thing to do is find a fellowship, as close to home as possible so that distance doesn’t discourage you from going, then stick with it for a year. You have to figure that it takes at least a year to begin getting names and faces straight, let alone build friendships. 

 

Relationships aren’t built in the 15 minutes shared over coffee after Sunday morning service. A decision to get involved with a small group, like a Bible study or a prayer meeting, is also important. On a more informal basis, volunteering for jobs is an excellent way of getting to know people. It offers the chance of chatting yet the focus is on a task, so that the burden of conversation doesn’t fall on one or the other person. Practice being a good listener; be interested in others. They will be all the more willing to get to know you better, too. 

 

If you have gifts in the area of leadership, teaching, or something that would tend to make you a higher profile in a group, play it down for the time being. You are the new kid on the block. Don’t breeze in and act like you are going to take over. That will alienate most people, and those who are attracted to that may make a rash decision to give you responsibility that you may not be ready for. This is especially true where the pastor or the congregation has the burden for ministry to homosexuals. It’s all too easy to allow someone not stable enough spiritually to undertake ministry in this area when the need seems to be so pressing. 

 

Faithful attendance to the basics, like Sunday morning service, as well as things you’ve committed to, will increase your chances of getting to know people. And it gives God more room to move in working out some of the personality quirks that you have. 

 

Healing In Spite Of The Past 

No one likes having the quirky things about themselves exposed, and there can be temptation to be in control of emotions, circumstances, anything, rather than allowing anyone to find out who you really are. Yet becoming free enough with each other to expose the bad parts is exactly what God wants. Taking that risk and being vulnerable enables others to love you out of bad habits you may have developed or just to love you and reinforce the good things that are there. 

 

Fear of being hurt may prevent you from allowing your real self to emerge through. Being that much in control means no one around you dares take their masks off either. It inhibits the two-way communication God desires. It doesn’t help if you are harboring out-and-out resentment and bitterness against Christians or the church in general because of something that happened to you along the way. 

 

Some bad things have happened to believers coming out of homosexual backgrounds that have given them cause to be angry and hurt. Some have told us in counseling that they admitted to have homosexual struggles in confidence to a pastor, then found themselves a hot item of gossip in the church a week later. Others went for counseling and ended up in gruelling deliverance sessions that seemed to do no good — homosexual desires continued to plague them. In despair they got the idea that maybe God had already given up on them, and the counselors didn’t pursue any kind of follow-up to encourage that person. Others have shared that they were disfellowshipped for sexual sin. We have no way of knowing if such a thing was done legitimately or not, but usually there was a lack of understanding and a sense of failure and rejection that hounded them. 

 

Forgiveness is the key. Harboring those ill feelings will act as an obstacle to healing fellowship. Christians make mistakes, and those from homosexual backgrounds must extend the same mercy to others that they expect. God’s gift of His Son gives us the power to let go of deep hurts by allowing the blood to cover the past, “I, therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all lowliness and meekness, with patience, forbearing one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:1-3). Don’t make the local body “pay” for the hurt you have received by absenting yourself. “…if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses us from all sin.” (1 John 1:7). 

 

Common Obstacles To Watch For 

There are a few other things that can crop up and discourage the believer from pursuing fellowship in the Body of Christ. If you know they may arise, you can be all the more prepared to fight through them. Here are some others we see in counseling: 

 

Being influenced by backslidden or marginal Christians. 

As you get to know people in church, you’ll discover who wants to go on with Jesus and who is just playing the game. Those who are compromising in some area of their life, particularly if their backgrounds are similar to yours, are going to bring you down. “Do not be deceived; bad company corrupts good morals.” (I Corinthians 15:33). Hunt out the Christians who share your goals for becoming conformed to the image of Christ. 

 

Fearing anyone telling you what to do. 

Part of being conformed to Christ’s image is coming into submission to others to the extent that those who care about you are able to say, hey, there’s something wrong here and maybe we can work on it. Rebellion rears its head, and the desire to tell someone where they can get off may be tempting. Running the other way becomes an attractive option! There are a lot of folks with critical attitudes who just pick at people for their own pleasure, but there is also the place to accept a word of reproof or admonishment from someone. Obviously it has to be a trust relationship for this to work, but some good things can come of being close enough to others that they have that kind of input into your life. “…God is treating you as sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant; later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:7,11). 

 

Creating barriers because of the way you dress. 

We can assume that Christians on the whole know better than to make judgments about someone based upon the way they are dressed, but there are some things that have been carried over from the past that used to make a statement about who you were that really don’t apply any more. Immodest dress on men, for instance, that used to advertise availability — needs to be reconsidered. 

 

Women from a lesbian background who wear their jeans as a badge of honor and independence may need to examine what it is exactly that they’re protesting. Often it says less about what they used to be and more about what they didn’t want to become at all costs. Stereotyping women in traditional settings is as much of a problem as straights making assumptions about all gays. Wearing a dress and high heels doesn’t make a woman less of a person. And it won’t make a woman from a homosexual background into a Suzy Homemaker either. Women who cling to masculine attire often are in need of healing where their femininity is concerned. That’s a root hurt. But the symptoms can alienate those who could do the most good in helping overcome those wounds: hostility, suspicion, arrogant self-sufficiency. None of these exactly invite friendship. 

 

Don’t make radical changes in dressing if it was a part of your identity. Better to do it gradually, as you see the sense in it. A sudden change is liable to make you self-conscious, and that will make you feel like everyone is looking at you. It’s hard to keep your composure if you feel ill at ease. If it is a matter of modesty though, do it before it becomes a stumbling block to someone else. 

 

The relationship you desire most is probably the one you can’t have. 

In the search for a best friend, it is often the case that the person we decide would be perfect is not interested or is simply unavailable. “You ask and do not receive because you ask wrongfully, to spend it on your passions.” (James 4:3). God is in the process of purifying your motives. It doesn’t necessarily mean that that person will never be your friend, but by the time this happens you may not care as much anyway. 

 

Not availing yourself of those who are around you. 

Satisfying friendships very often come when we least expect it. Folks we would never guess to look at could be our dearest companions in Christ. “…Learn to put aside your own desire so that you will become patient and godly, gladly letting God have His way with you. This will make possible the next step, which is for you to enjoy other people and to like them, and finally you will grow to love them deeply.” (II Peter 1:6-7 LB). 

 

Finally, building and maintaining relationships is the most difficult task in life, yet, next to your friendship with Jesus, will reap the richest rewards. You will become a whole person as you learn to love others as Christ has loved you. That’s the key to the Gospel, and the key to overcoming homosexuality. 

 

This article is reprinted by permission from: Outpost, Inc., P.O. Box 15263, Minneapolis, MN 55415.

For Better or Worse: Promises Kept/Promises Broken

Written by Kent Paris

 

One of the most challenging situations I encounter on a regular basis in ministry here at Nehemiah is marital crisis. Because of the nature of this outreach, typical problems a Christian counselor faces are not normally the ones presented here.

 

Yes, I do my share of counseling with couples experiencing communication problems in marriage, work with a lesser number of cases where a husband has committed adultery with another woman, counsel men struggling with heterosexual pornography, and occasionally work with women whose husbands physically and verbally abuse them. 

 

What is unique and all too common in my context is the complex range of issues related to the stunning discovery of homosexual or lesbian struggles in a spouse (normally the husband). Imagine the following scenarios for a moment.

 

- A wife drops her lipstick under the front car seat, reaches for it and discovers a magazine hidden from view–and not just any magazine. It is a pornographic magazine filled with nude men engaging in sexual activities together. Totally bewildered, she shows it to her husband and asks if it is his. Yes. CRISIS!

 

- A wife has a routine blood panel run only to discover she is HIV-positive. Her husband confesses to a previously undisclosed struggle with homosexuality and sexual interactions with over two dozen men. CRISIS! 

 

- A husband calls from the police station after being arrested in an undercover sex sting operation. He’s a known public figure and his name is published in the local paper. His 30-year struggle with homosexuality is out in the open–no longer his shameful, carefully hidden secret. CRISIS!

 

- A husband sits his wife down and wrestles with the words to tell her he’s fallen in love with another man and has come to the conclusion he is gay and that he wants a divorce. CRISIS!

 

- A wife comes home two days early from an out of state conference, quietly enters the house late at night, stops short of their closed bedroom door because of noise, listens, opens the door, switches on the light and finds her husband in bed engaged in sex with another man. CRISIS!

 

- A husband becomes increasingly concerned over the growing, inordinate amount of time his wife is spending with a single woman friend of hers. The kids are even asking why their Mom spends so much time away from home. Her affection for her husband wanes to the point of heated confrontation. The wife counters his anger with a bombshell. “I’ve never felt so loved as I do by (anonymous). I don’t think I knew what love was until I met her. We’re in love. I don’t think I’ve ever really loved you. I’m moving out. You can have custody of the kids.” CRISIS! 

 

These are only a few scenarios. What profound, complex issues are present in each situation. Let’s think for a moment about just one couple in a common scenario.

 

After keeping his struggle with homosexuality secret for years, and because of an accelerating pattern of sexual sin with other men, a husband comes to the conclusion he must tell his wife, even if it means the end of their marriage. He has concluded he either must get help (if help is available) or must resign himself to being gay and entering the gay life–though this is in conflict with the Christian faith as he’s known it.

 

Their referral to Nehemiah Ministries often comes by way of the national EXODUS office, but pastors from a 200-mile radius of Urbana, as well as supporters of this ministry point people in our direction. Sometimes the wife has found us on the internet and made the initial call.

 

The first meeting is usually a very emotional one. I want to hear their story, empathize, encourage and impart hope to both of them that help is available. This begins a journey of discovering who they are, of being present to them in the midst of their pain and suffering, their fears, anger, grief, despair, depression, shattered dreams and humiliation–and hopefully, in the rebuilding of their marriage. 

 

One role I play is that of a teacher. Normally if the husband is asked, “Where do you think this problem originated in your life? What are the root causes?” I get a blank stare. Most don’t know and too many have all but concluded they were born gay. So we explore their family system–their perception of their relationship with Dad and Mom, with siblings and peers growing up. There are books I use quite regularly to augment what takes place in the office during sessions (in other words, they have homework).

 

The man usually experiences profound shame, self-hatred and deep guilt over his behavior, thoughts and feelings. Coming to grips with what he has done to his wife often takes time because of the magnitude of it. Many men were molested as children or teenagers and only now begin to deal with the cost to their soul these experiences exacted. They may hold horrible secrets of things done to them they’ve never told anyone. They may never have heard their father say, “I love you.” They may have a deep reservoir filled with rage, bitterness and hatred toward one or both parents. 

 

These matters of the heart take time, reflection, prayer, repentance, humility, a teachable heart, a willingness to let God be God and allow the Holy Spirit to do a work only he can do. I am amazed again and again how a simple question or statement that comes to my mind–one which does not seem profound or extraordinary to me when posed, the Holy Spirit uses to penetrate the person’s heart. They have an epiphany, an awakening, a moment of profound clarity, making a connection or seeing something they never had before and it is a turning point.

 

How about the wife? The revelation that her husband has been unfaithful is a crushing blow. There’s a whole new side to her husband she was not privy to. Is this really the man she married or has she been married to an illusion, a masterful actor.

 

She thinks back over the months and years and begins to put pieces to this horrid puzzle together. In order to cover up his behind the scenes activities a web of lies and excuses were carefully spun to explain his time away (having to work later than planned because of “last minute projects,” work requiring out of town trips, etc.). 

 

She has been violated in many ways, destroying her ability to trust what he says. She may be outraged that he put her health at risk through his sexual unfaithfulness. At the time they come to my office they may not have been tested yet for a range of possible sexually transmitted diseases. This weighs heavy on them.

 

A woman needs to be cherished by her husband. A range of questions may swirl inside her: “What manner of woman am I that my husband would look to a man for sexual fulfillment or love? Maybe there are things I could have done to prevent this. Does he not think I’m attractive? Has he ever? Did he ever love me? Can he change?” The list is long.

 

Her sense of femininity, worth, self-esteem and body image take a beating. She is faced with the choice to try to salvage and heal their marriage, to separate or even divorce on scriptural grounds of adultery. She is challenged by the core themes of the Gospel–forgiveness, mercy, redemption, reconciliation and restoration. CRISIS! The wife is thrust forward on an emotional roller-coaster ride as she sorts through the aftermath of his confession.

 

I have had the rare privilege of witnessing courage, faith and unconditional love on the part of many wives. Equally so, I have watched as husbands manifested genuine godly sorrow for their sin–a godly sorrow leading to true repentance. They too have had to summon courage, faith, trust and humility. It is not easy to come to terms with our sin and its impact on those closest to us who have loved and trusted us.

 

God changes hearts and lives! I’ve seen Him bring hope and healing to many, many couples through the years. Their lives are a testimony of trust, faith, forgiveness and love.

 

What about their children? Recently I had the opportunity to sit down with a teenager to spend a couple hours in conversation related to his Dad. His father’s moral failure had caused great family crisis. I wanted him to have an opportunity to express what he was personally going through–how the disclosure of his father’s struggle with homosexuality was impacting him, but I also wanted to help him understand the nature of his father’s problem and to hopefully reframe how he views his Dad.

 

I recounted the story of King David who not only committed adultery with another man’s wife, but with malice and forethought devised a scheme to cover his tracks. He had Uriah placed on the front lines of the battle knowing full well he was sending him to his death. When the prophet confronted David, of all the possible responses he could have made in the moment, he repented! 

 

The testimony of scripture after the fact is the Lord saying, “David is a man after my own heart.” I am so grateful the Bible does not give us a sanitized, whitewashed, embellished record of men and women God interacted with, leaving us with picture-perfect people, spotless in every way. No, thanks be to God, we have a record of men and women who were sinful human beings, people who blew it big-time, committing awful acts, sinning against the Lord. And we see many of them repent and return to the Lord, forgiven.

 

I looked squarely in that boy’s eyes and said, “I want you to listen carefully to what I’m about to say. The measure of a man is not perfection in every aspect of his life. It is not a flawless character. It is not a sinless life–Christ alone did not sin. No, the measure of a man in part is him taking responsibility for his sins and failures, repenting, receiving forgiveness from God and pressing on as a disciple of Christ. Your father has exercised great courage–courage I believe you will one day be proud of him for. In the face of disgrace and humiliation he owned his stuff and stood tall. He could’ve abandoned ship, fled and never returned. He didn’t. That takes guts and lots of faith.”

 

Working with married couples in crisis often means working with one or more of their children too. This boy and others I’ve spoken with have their own feelings to work through. They’ve been sorely let down, disappointed, disillusioned and disoriented by the crisis. They may experience humiliation and shame or jesting from peers. They may even carry anxiety or fears that Dad might even molest them or their children. You must hold prayerfully and carefully each person for they all carry their own unique pain and set of issues. 

 

Kent Paris, Director, Nehemiah Ministries, PO Box 773, Urbana IL 61803 

 

 

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Copyright © 2000, Kent Paris. All rights reserved.

Reprinted by permission.

What Does Healing Look Like?

Written by Heather Scaife

 

In recent weeks my thoughts have frequently pondered the question: What does healing look like?…more specifically: What does healing look like for the homosexual struggler?…and even closer to home: What does healing look like for me? I mean, after all, how will I know if I’ve arrived if I don’t know what healing looks like?…Right?

 

Difficult Realization #1: I will never arrive. By its nature, Christianity should be an evolving relationship with Christ. There will never be a time when I no longer need Him. In fact, I’ve observed that the most mature Christians are those who grasp just how desperately they must cling to Him in order to survive.

 

Difficult Realization #2: Heterosexuality does not equal healed. I know many fellow strugglers who are much more intact than their straight counterparts.

 

Difficult Realization #3: Although a very small number of people are instantly and miraculously delivered from same-sex desires and a greater number of people find relief over a period of time, some have journeyed for years with little or no change in their orientation. Outsiders callously point fingers and accuse them of secret sin and the need to pray harder. Others mock with “See? We told you you couldn’t change. Stop torturing yourself.”

 

Through the controversy, I’ve seen these lifetime strugglers press on obediently following Christ with a courage and stamina beyond my comprehension. And I ask myself, Could this be what healing looks like? Could healing simply be having one’s own identity so intertwined with Christ’s that others can’t tell where you end and He begins? Could it just be a state of being intact and whole?

 

There is probably not a one of us that would not give nearly anything for a normal life – some sort of heterosexual fantasy involving a nice house complete with a spouse and children. But what if healing is not about heterosexuality? What if we frustrate ourselves out of true healing because we have the wrong goal?

 

Daniel chapter 3 tells the familiar story of three Hebrew men who refused to bow down and worship an idol, even when the consequence of their choice was certain death. In verse 17, the men acknowledge that God is able to deliver them from their fate. However, it is verse 18 that catches my attention. They concede that their decision to be obedient will stand even if God does not deliver them. What a commitment! They had absolutely no assurance of deliverance! They placed their faith in God Himself rather than an outcome they hoped for.

 

This challenges me to a similar commitment. I know that God is able to completely deliver me from homosexual desires… but if He does not, let it be known, that I will not serve other gods (my own lust, fantasies, sinful desires, etc.)

 

These men made the highest form of sacrifice possible. The latter part of verse 28 says they “yielded their bodies so as not to serve or worship any god except their own God.” We consider them great heroes, and truly they are. The happy ending is that they did not die, but they would have been just as heroic if they did.

 

I think that is what healing looks like. I believe it is having integrity when I have no idea what the outcome will be. I believe it is the ability to yield up my body so as not to serve or worship any god except my own God. I believe it is maturity born out of a burning desire to live for Someone greater than myself. And, I believe it is the ability to humble myself before that One and rely on Him so heavily that others cannot tell where I end and He begins.

 

I would like to believe I will be completely free of homosexual desires some day. Short of sounding sacrilegious in post-gay circles…heterosexuality is not my goal. And I am coming to realize this: I am closer to healed than I have ever been with the simple freedom I have found in pursuing Christ rather than a change in sexual orientation.

Christian Cosmetic Surgery

Written by Tim Wilkins

After two facelifts, a forehead and under-eye lift, two nose jobs, an eyeliner tattoo, a tummy-tuck, cheek implants, three teeth bondings, a chemical peel, and others things I cannot list here, Phyllis Diller says she is satisfied with her looks. Members of the American Academy of Cosmetic Surgery voted Miss Diller an award in 1986 for publicizing her surgery. Phyllis Diller has spent well over $50,000 on cosmetic surgery. Said Ms. Diller, “I’ve done more for plastic or cosmetic surgery than Bayer has done for aspirin; I’ve made it respectable.” 

 

What Phyllis Diller and mankind have in common is a problem with our image. We may not be able to shell-out $50,000 for complete makeovers, but we do, more often than not, perceive ourselves in a negative or false way. That’s where Ms. Diller and I have something in common. 

 

For many years I perceived myself as a homosexual and thus acted on that false belief and distorted image. The Bible rightfully says, “As a man thinks in his heart, so he is.” 

 

Our fascination and preoccupation with our physical image is but a symptom of a greater, possibly subconscious concern regarding our spiritual image. The Apostle John wrote, “Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be, but we know that when he shall appear, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.” (1 John 3:2) In this one verse comes this truth–What we are and what we shall be centers solely in the person and work of Jesus Christ. 

 

THE CHRISTIAN’S IMAGE INVOLVES A PRESENT REALITY 

John writes, “Now are we the sons of God.” This is based on fact. Dr. Peter Gomes is Plummer Professor of Christian Morals at Harvard College, and he is gay. He recently traveled the country promoting his book, The Good Book. He states his lifelong goal remains to “rehabilitate the scriptures for general use.” 

 

Scripture needs not to be rehabilitated, but practiced. Vance Havner said “The Word of God is either absolute or it’s obsolete.” The Bible does not need rehabilitation; rather we need transformation. 

 

Whereas verse one says “we should be called the sons of God,” verse two says “Now are we the sons of God.” When you accept Christ into your life, at that moment, “old thing are past away; behold all things have become new.” 

 

The problem is with our adversary. Satan is the author of confusion. Satan’s power is not in strength, but in his ability to confuse and deceive. If you think David Copperfield is the master of illusion, think again! 

 

As early as age six, I knew I was “different.” When I reached puberty, I recognized an attraction for the same sex. During my mid-teens I wore a tiny piece of paper under my watchband on which I had scribbled almost microscopically, “Lord, I am trusting you for healing.” I had already accepted Christ as my Savior, but had allowed a horrible home life to distort my perception of who I was in Christ. 

 

The greatest military strategy of history has been reduced to three words, “divide and conquer.” And Satan’s strategy is similar, “confuse and conquer.” Homosexuality is confusion! With all my heart I wanted to be free from the mental suffering and agonized confusion that tormented me day and night. Whereas Satan is the author of confusion, God is the author of order; God created cosmos out of chaos. (Gen. 1) 

 

When discussing human sexuality from a biblical perspective, we do not have the privilege to begin anywhere; we must begin where the Bible begins–Genesis…”and God made them male and female.” Genesis 1:26-27 reads “Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness…So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” It is no coincidence that in two verses the word “image” is used three times and “likeness” is used once. Yet, what God easily creates, Man just as quickly distorts; the image of God in us is flawed. 

 

This flaw is evidenced in Genesis 5:1-3. Two chapters after Adam and Eve eat us out of house and home we read, “This is the written account of Adam’s line. When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God. He created them male and female and blessed them. And when they were created, he called them ‘man.’ 

 

When Adam had lived 130 years, he had a son in his own likeness, in his own image; and he named him Seth.” Verse one reiterates that Man was created in God’s image. Yet two verses later we read that Adam had a son named Seth who was in Adam’s, not God’s likeness and image. 

 

What I believe the writer is doing is contrasting the family of God with the family of Adam or put another way, he contrasts God’s family with the Adam’s Family. 

 

As distorted as Man’s view is of himself, Romans 8:16 says “The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are the children of God.” Not only is the Christian’s image based on fact, it is believed by faith. Even Jesus was tempted to doubt His deity both at the inauguration and culmination of His earthly ministry. Repeatedly He was told, “If you are the Son of God…” (See Matt 4:3, 6, 27; Luke 23) 

 

Many of those I talk with tell me they have always felt gay. So did I, but that does not mean God created us gay. Many times before I get out of bed, I feel like dirt. But when I climb out of bed and look in the mirror, I don’t see dirt looking back. “We walk by faith and not by sight.” 

 

THE CHRISTIAN’S IMAGE INVOLVES A PROMISE TO BE REVEALED 

First, it is a veiled promise. Although Christians are now the children of God, there is a dimension of that relationship that remains to be revealed and experienced. 

 

John wrote, “And it does not yet appear what we shall be.” John frankly admits, “We do not know the character of our future appearance.” First Corinthians 13:12 reads “For now we see through a glass, darkly…”– a veiled promise. 

 

As a teenager I did not understand nor did I really believe in God’s promise to remake me like Him. Thus, I became involved in homosexual activity. 

 

Homosexuality is gross darkness, which as someone used to say, is one hundred and forty-four times darker than typical darkness. At age twenty-two I determined that God could keep me from sexual sin. I did have my doubts as to His ability to heal me. Although I could not understand how God could repair my broken image, I was reminded that Jesus did not say “only understand”; He said “only believe.” 

 

I became aware that Jesus Christ did not want a prominent place in my life. He wanted the dominant place in my life. In the musical Oklahoma, Ado Annie sings to her roving boyfriend “with me it’s all or nothin’. Is it all or nothin’ with you?” For God to answer my prayer for change, it had to be all or nothin’. Someone has said “Jesus Christ is either Lord of all or He is not Lord at all!” 

 

A striking bit of advice comes from Jesus’ mother, Mary. At a wedding in Cana, after realizing the good wine is gone, Mary tells the servants, “Whatever (Jesus) tells you to do, do it.” I doubt Mary recognized the eternal significance of her advice. I honestly did not know how to be heterosexual, but I did know how to be obedient. The dictionary is the only place where change comes before obedience! 

 

Oswald Chambers, in his excellent devotional My Utmost For His Highest writes, “God will tax the last grain of sand and the remotest star to bless us when we obey Him.” Not only is this a veiled promise, it is a victorious promise. John writes, “We shall be like Him.” What a grand promise that is! 

 

Homosexuality may promise to gratify, but it cannot satisfy. Homosexuality may promise excitement, but it cannot provide fulfillment. 

 

I learned God’s promise painfully. Just as God went looking for Adam and Eve when they ate forbidden fruit, so Jesus Christ came looking for me when I had lost my way. He wooed me; He wowed me; He won me. As a Gospel song says, “When He was on the cross, I was on His mind.” 

 

THE CHRISTIAN’S IMAGE INVOLVES A PERSONAL RETURN 

The Bible teaches that Christ will return for those who belong to Him. Here John writes of the definiteness of Christ’s return. “Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear…” The word know conveys certainty; John uses it more than thirty times in five chapters. It’s the same word he uses when he writes “These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God, that you may know you have eternal life.” He continues to underscore the definiteness of Christ’s return, “…when he shall appear…” Not if! 

 

No other religion distinguishes itself with the promise that the Creator and Redeemer shall personally return to take His children home with Him. In this text we find not only the definiteness of Christ’s return, but the demonstration of Christ’s return. “When he shall appear.” 

 

A. T. Robertson writes, “The transforming power of the vision of Christ is the glorious process begun at the new birth.” Then John concludes his great thought with “We shall see Him as He is.” 

 

The London preacher Charles Spurgeon purchased a copy of Andrew Bonar’s commentary on Leviticus. Spurgeon sent the book to Bonar requesting his autograph and a photograph. Bonar returned the commentary with this inscription, “Dear Spurgeon, here is the book with my autograph and photograph. If you had been willing to wait a short time, you could have had a better likeness of me, for I shall be like him, when I see him as he is.” 

 

I am not yet what God created me to be, but thanks be to God I’m not what I was. And although I’m no longer gay, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and I owe that to Jesus Christ. 

 

For more information on CROSS Ministry: www.crossministry.org

 

 

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Copyright © 1999 Tim Wilkins/CROSS Ministry, Inc.All rights reserved

Healing and Growth: Homosexuality and Christian Character

Written by Alan Medinger

 

Overcoming homosexuality is so much more than changing behavior. It is a major life change often requiring a radical transformation of those characteristics inside of us that have defined our personalities and governed our behavior for years. These changes go so deep into the heart of our being that they would be impossible to experience without the life-changing power of Jesus Christ. The good news is that this power is available to us, and so we can dare to hope to see such transformations come to pass. 

 

To accept a need for change in these areas may require our willingness to come under a heavy indictment. To experience the change, will require that we be willing to embark on a journey that will challenge our most basic fears. 

 

In dealing with a lack of character in men overcoming homosexuality, I want to stress that this is not an issue with everyone who comes to us. In fact, occasionally, men come to us who struggle mightily with homosexuality but have obvious strength of character. I can almost guarantee that they are going to achieve victory. 

 

On the other hand, a lack of character is so common to men from a homosexual background, and the development of character so central to the healing process, I would urge all of you to pay some heed to this article. 

 

Character is a trait we don’t hear discussed much these days. Who talks of developing character in their sons; much less Christian character? What is character? It is that trait that reveals an internal and external consistency with a set of values. 

 

A man of character holds to certain beliefs and his words and actions are consistent with those beliefs. He has integrity — a word that has the same root as integer — meaning one. He is singular in his approach to life. His internal life is consistent with what he appears to be. His words flow from honest convictions. His actions are determined, not by what is expedient, but by what is right. 

 

To be this kind of man is to be strong, lacking in fear, disciplined, and if the values on which the character is built are sound, strength and discipline operate with gentleness and love. I heard a call to this kind of character in Paul’s words to the Corinthians in I Cor. 16:13, “Be watchful, stand firm in your faith, be courageous, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.” 

 

The homosexual man at his stereotypical worst can be the opposite of this. This may not be you, but it certainly was me, and it is many of the men I see. Allow me to use myself as an example. 

 

First and foremost, I was a man pleaser. How common this is among homosexual men. Desperately wanting a man’s approval, I did, and said, and was, whatever would win that approval. Rooted I am sure in a lack of affirmation from my father in early childhood, I developed a life pattern of trying to get other men’s approval and affirmation. I was not me; I was who I thought others, particularly men, wanted me to be. This was not like Paul’s “all things to all men” that was rooted in strength; this was rooted in weakness. 

 

On the other hand, my inner person was quite different. Inside I was ruthlessly self-serving and self-protective. I would use other people, even consciously and cynically at times. I was fearful of men, cowardly, almost totally unable to confront and challenge other men. Outwardly I was a “good boy,” later a “nice guy”. Inwardly — I shudder at the darkness and the ugliness that was there. Simply put, I lacked character. 

 

Can such a person change? Is character — Christian character — something that can develop in adulthood if it was not a part of our growing up? Yes, I am certain it can once we become a new creature; once we are born again. I have seen it happen in many men; I have experienced it. 

 

For most people conversion is the beginning of change. Suddenly coming into contact with real Truth and with real Power, we can start to experience real change, even such a fundamental change as this. But developing Christian character is a slow and painful process. 

 

The first step in such a development is to accept the beliefs, values and priorities that are the basic to Christian character. This is the easy part. God’s word and our life in the Body of Christ will be our ready teachers. It can help if we consciously and very specifically identify the beliefs that are to guide our lives as Christian men. Very likely, we will identify these beliefs well before we believe that there is any chance that we can live up to them. I would suggest even writing out the beliefs that we believe should govern our character. Look at other Christian men, at men from biblical history, at Jesus Himself as models. What beliefs seem to govern their lives? 

 

Then comes the difficult part, seeking to live our lives according to these beliefs. We can only do this if we submit our lives to be hammered out on the anvil of daily experience. In small daily situations we chose to speak and act on our beliefs. We risk offending. We risk being rejected. We take small steps in challenging and confronting. One step at a time, we start to speak and act out of our beliefs. We are not just dealing with homosexual issues here. In building character, character that will be central to our total victory, we are dealing with all of life. 

 

There is, however, a special homosexual side to this process. The fantasies, the cynicism, the bitterness inside us that is inconsistent with the new man are taken daily to the cross. We regularly repent of worshipping at the idol of another man’s approval. 

 

The process will be like growing out of childhood and going through boot camp at the same time. However, we won’t have a strong directive flesh and blood father or a drill sergeant to provide the strong arm and firm hand that will all but force us through the process. Our teacher will be our Heavenly Father, and the power to bring us through the process will be the power of His Holy Spirit — as we are willing to yield to it. The process will only succeed if we want God more than we want to avoid the pain that the process of such a change brings. But the process can succeed because we are talking about “the power at work in us able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think.” (Eph. 3:20) 

 

In C.S. Lewis’s The Great Divorce the people who come up out of hell to the outer reaches of heaven are described as ghosts, transparent, but at the same time almost oily. Such were some of us. But through the power of Jesus Christ, we can become solid men, men who are consistent in our thoughts words and deeds, men of Christian character. 

 

To determine the beliefs that should govern our lives and our character will come quite readily. To develop the ability of living our lives in accordance with those beliefs takes a father’s hand and guidance. Our Heavenly Father wants to play that role in our lives. What father wants a son who simply does nothing wrong? No, a father’s joy comes from seeing his son grow into the fullness of his potential. So it is with our Heavenly Father. Surely His joy comes as we develop into mature godly Christian men abounding in those characteristics which truly stamp us with the image of the Himself. He is the best of all possible fathers. He will make it possible. 

 

 

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us to His own glory and excellence, by which He has granted to us His precious and very great promises, that through these you may escape from the corruption that is in the world because of passion, and become partakers of the divine nature. (II Peter 1:3-4)