For Better or Worse: Promises Kept/Promises Broken

Written by Kent Paris

 

One of the most challenging situations I encounter on a regular basis in ministry here at Nehemiah is marital crisis. Because of the nature of this outreach, typical problems a Christian counselor faces are not normally the ones presented here.

 

Yes, I do my share of counseling with couples experiencing communication problems in marriage, work with a lesser number of cases where a husband has committed adultery with another woman, counsel men struggling with heterosexual pornography, and occasionally work with women whose husbands physically and verbally abuse them. 

 

What is unique and all too common in my context is the complex range of issues related to the stunning discovery of homosexual or lesbian struggles in a spouse (normally the husband). Imagine the following scenarios for a moment.

 

- A wife drops her lipstick under the front car seat, reaches for it and discovers a magazine hidden from view–and not just any magazine. It is a pornographic magazine filled with nude men engaging in sexual activities together. Totally bewildered, she shows it to her husband and asks if it is his. Yes. CRISIS!

 

- A wife has a routine blood panel run only to discover she is HIV-positive. Her husband confesses to a previously undisclosed struggle with homosexuality and sexual interactions with over two dozen men. CRISIS! 

 

- A husband calls from the police station after being arrested in an undercover sex sting operation. He’s a known public figure and his name is published in the local paper. His 30-year struggle with homosexuality is out in the open–no longer his shameful, carefully hidden secret. CRISIS!

 

- A husband sits his wife down and wrestles with the words to tell her he’s fallen in love with another man and has come to the conclusion he is gay and that he wants a divorce. CRISIS!

 

- A wife comes home two days early from an out of state conference, quietly enters the house late at night, stops short of their closed bedroom door because of noise, listens, opens the door, switches on the light and finds her husband in bed engaged in sex with another man. CRISIS!

 

- A husband becomes increasingly concerned over the growing, inordinate amount of time his wife is spending with a single woman friend of hers. The kids are even asking why their Mom spends so much time away from home. Her affection for her husband wanes to the point of heated confrontation. The wife counters his anger with a bombshell. “I’ve never felt so loved as I do by (anonymous). I don’t think I knew what love was until I met her. We’re in love. I don’t think I’ve ever really loved you. I’m moving out. You can have custody of the kids.” CRISIS! 

 

These are only a few scenarios. What profound, complex issues are present in each situation. Let’s think for a moment about just one couple in a common scenario.

 

After keeping his struggle with homosexuality secret for years, and because of an accelerating pattern of sexual sin with other men, a husband comes to the conclusion he must tell his wife, even if it means the end of their marriage. He has concluded he either must get help (if help is available) or must resign himself to being gay and entering the gay life–though this is in conflict with the Christian faith as he’s known it.

 

Their referral to Nehemiah Ministries often comes by way of the national EXODUS office, but pastors from a 200-mile radius of Urbana, as well as supporters of this ministry point people in our direction. Sometimes the wife has found us on the internet and made the initial call.

 

The first meeting is usually a very emotional one. I want to hear their story, empathize, encourage and impart hope to both of them that help is available. This begins a journey of discovering who they are, of being present to them in the midst of their pain and suffering, their fears, anger, grief, despair, depression, shattered dreams and humiliation–and hopefully, in the rebuilding of their marriage. 

 

One role I play is that of a teacher. Normally if the husband is asked, “Where do you think this problem originated in your life? What are the root causes?” I get a blank stare. Most don’t know and too many have all but concluded they were born gay. So we explore their family system–their perception of their relationship with Dad and Mom, with siblings and peers growing up. There are books I use quite regularly to augment what takes place in the office during sessions (in other words, they have homework).

 

The man usually experiences profound shame, self-hatred and deep guilt over his behavior, thoughts and feelings. Coming to grips with what he has done to his wife often takes time because of the magnitude of it. Many men were molested as children or teenagers and only now begin to deal with the cost to their soul these experiences exacted. They may hold horrible secrets of things done to them they’ve never told anyone. They may never have heard their father say, “I love you.” They may have a deep reservoir filled with rage, bitterness and hatred toward one or both parents. 

 

These matters of the heart take time, reflection, prayer, repentance, humility, a teachable heart, a willingness to let God be God and allow the Holy Spirit to do a work only he can do. I am amazed again and again how a simple question or statement that comes to my mind–one which does not seem profound or extraordinary to me when posed, the Holy Spirit uses to penetrate the person’s heart. They have an epiphany, an awakening, a moment of profound clarity, making a connection or seeing something they never had before and it is a turning point.

 

How about the wife? The revelation that her husband has been unfaithful is a crushing blow. There’s a whole new side to her husband she was not privy to. Is this really the man she married or has she been married to an illusion, a masterful actor.

 

She thinks back over the months and years and begins to put pieces to this horrid puzzle together. In order to cover up his behind the scenes activities a web of lies and excuses were carefully spun to explain his time away (having to work later than planned because of “last minute projects,” work requiring out of town trips, etc.). 

 

She has been violated in many ways, destroying her ability to trust what he says. She may be outraged that he put her health at risk through his sexual unfaithfulness. At the time they come to my office they may not have been tested yet for a range of possible sexually transmitted diseases. This weighs heavy on them.

 

A woman needs to be cherished by her husband. A range of questions may swirl inside her: “What manner of woman am I that my husband would look to a man for sexual fulfillment or love? Maybe there are things I could have done to prevent this. Does he not think I’m attractive? Has he ever? Did he ever love me? Can he change?” The list is long.

 

Her sense of femininity, worth, self-esteem and body image take a beating. She is faced with the choice to try to salvage and heal their marriage, to separate or even divorce on scriptural grounds of adultery. She is challenged by the core themes of the Gospel–forgiveness, mercy, redemption, reconciliation and restoration. CRISIS! The wife is thrust forward on an emotional roller-coaster ride as she sorts through the aftermath of his confession.

 

I have had the rare privilege of witnessing courage, faith and unconditional love on the part of many wives. Equally so, I have watched as husbands manifested genuine godly sorrow for their sin–a godly sorrow leading to true repentance. They too have had to summon courage, faith, trust and humility. It is not easy to come to terms with our sin and its impact on those closest to us who have loved and trusted us.

 

God changes hearts and lives! I’ve seen Him bring hope and healing to many, many couples through the years. Their lives are a testimony of trust, faith, forgiveness and love.

 

What about their children? Recently I had the opportunity to sit down with a teenager to spend a couple hours in conversation related to his Dad. His father’s moral failure had caused great family crisis. I wanted him to have an opportunity to express what he was personally going through–how the disclosure of his father’s struggle with homosexuality was impacting him, but I also wanted to help him understand the nature of his father’s problem and to hopefully reframe how he views his Dad.

 

I recounted the story of King David who not only committed adultery with another man’s wife, but with malice and forethought devised a scheme to cover his tracks. He had Uriah placed on the front lines of the battle knowing full well he was sending him to his death. When the prophet confronted David, of all the possible responses he could have made in the moment, he repented! 

 

The testimony of scripture after the fact is the Lord saying, “David is a man after my own heart.” I am so grateful the Bible does not give us a sanitized, whitewashed, embellished record of men and women God interacted with, leaving us with picture-perfect people, spotless in every way. No, thanks be to God, we have a record of men and women who were sinful human beings, people who blew it big-time, committing awful acts, sinning against the Lord. And we see many of them repent and return to the Lord, forgiven.

 

I looked squarely in that boy’s eyes and said, “I want you to listen carefully to what I’m about to say. The measure of a man is not perfection in every aspect of his life. It is not a flawless character. It is not a sinless life–Christ alone did not sin. No, the measure of a man in part is him taking responsibility for his sins and failures, repenting, receiving forgiveness from God and pressing on as a disciple of Christ. Your father has exercised great courage–courage I believe you will one day be proud of him for. In the face of disgrace and humiliation he owned his stuff and stood tall. He could’ve abandoned ship, fled and never returned. He didn’t. That takes guts and lots of faith.”

 

Working with married couples in crisis often means working with one or more of their children too. This boy and others I’ve spoken with have their own feelings to work through. They’ve been sorely let down, disappointed, disillusioned and disoriented by the crisis. They may experience humiliation and shame or jesting from peers. They may even carry anxiety or fears that Dad might even molest them or their children. You must hold prayerfully and carefully each person for they all carry their own unique pain and set of issues. 

 

Kent Paris, Director, Nehemiah Ministries, PO Box 773, Urbana IL 61803 

 

 

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Copyright © 2000, Kent Paris. All rights reserved.

Reprinted by permission.