Should We Shout It From the Housetops?

Written by Alan Medinger

 

It had been eight or nine years since I had come out of homosexuality. Regeneration was established and I was active in Exodus. I had been on Christian radio and television and identified as a former homosexual in a number of Christian publications. But now, with my cooperation, one of Baltimore’s daily papers was going to do a story on Regeneration and Alan Medinger. When the story came out, it was on page one of the Sunday paper and it included my picture. Now my secular world would know; neighbors, friends, co-workers. 

 

The Monday after the article appeared, I walked through the office feeling totally naked. I can think of no other way to describe the feeling. I was no longer in control of who knew, and I sensed that for most of my colleagues, it was such an awkward situation that there would be no mention of it unless I brought it up. That Monday was one of the most difficult of my life. As it turned out, with most of my friends the revelation seemed to make little difference. 

 

Prior to the interview that led to the article, I felt I had received a clear message from the Lord that the time had come to remove all limitations on publicity. God had been gentle in allowing me to go public over a number of years, but now, the remaining restrictions were hindering the work of the ministry, and they had to go. 

 

Most men and women coming out of homosexuality don’t have to decide about front-page articles in the local newspaper. But for virtually every man and woman with a homosexual past, the decision of who to tell is critical- often agonizing. Most don’t feel they have the clear direction that I had. For most, the issue deals not with a press interview, but with talking with a close friend or family member, a pastor, someone they are dating, or with members of a home fellowship group from church. For most, it is an excruciating decision, one that they correctly sense can have a major impact on their most important relationships, on their own continued healing, and on their efforts to lead a life in obedience to God. 

 

To help those who struggle with these decisions, I would like to offer seven principles regarding telling others about our homosexual past, and then suggest how these might be weighed in making these difficult decisions. First, the principles: 

 

1. The greatest freedom is in not caring who knows. 

When we have nothing to hide, we are totally free. When everyone knows, or we don’t care who knows about our homosexual past, it becomes less important to us. We are not always protecting that area of our lives. We don’t have to maintain a constant guard. Whether or not we tell this person or that, is not an issue, and we are free to focus on other things, and free to be who we really are. 

 

2. One of the greatest threats to our healing is to fall back into isolation 

A great step in the process of healing takes place for many people when they first contact us and break the isolation that has shrouded their homosexual struggle for many years. Isolation is a breeding ground for shame. Isolation on this issue cuts us off from the loving support of other people. Totally alone with our homosexual struggle, often the only voice we hear on the subject is the voice of the enemy, the master of accusation and deceit. Especially for those who come from a conservative Christian background, a whole new view of life and reality opens up when they find that they can be open and honest about this part of their life with certain other Christians. 

 

It is possible to go back into that isolation once a person leaves ex-gay ministry. Especially if their openness had remained within the safe confines of group. Continued growth requires interaction with other Christians. Faithful obedience often requires accountability within the Body of Christ. A healthy personal identity requires that somewhere we be free to be who we really are. None of this may be available if we go back into isolation. 

 

3. The consequences of sharing our past can be severe. 

We would be foolish to minimize the possible negative consequences — to ourselves and to those we love — that can come from our being open about our past. In some religious settings a homosexual past could totally disqualify a person for ministry. Those who serve as teachers, Scoutmasters, or in the military, or who have highly visible roles in conservative companies or organizations need to recognize that their fears of the consequences of disclosure could be valid. 

 

And there are loved ones to consider. With me, the greatest pain of public disclosure has been its possible effect on my children. Recently, a reporter for another local paper asked to do an article on Regeneration. I asked her to delay it until school was out for the summer. I did not want my 15-year-old son to have to walk through the halls of school the day my story had been in the morning paper. Perhaps, I am wrong to be protective of him in this way, but I am not wrong in believing that there would be consequences for a fifteen-year-old boy in such a situation. 

 

4. No one really knows you if they do not know your homosexual past. 

We are who God made us plus the sum of our experiences. To be unable to share one of the greatest struggles — and hopefully the greatest victories — in our lives with someone whom we truly love, is to deny that person the opportunity of knowing who we really are. To always need to step around a major part of our life is to withhold a part of ourselves from those close to us. There can be no true intimacy in such a situation. Parents, siblings, spouses or future spouses, closest friends, pastors, Christians with whom we are closely bound are all denied really knowing us if this part of our lives is not shared. Relationships can never reach their potential if we are not honest and vulnerable. 

 

5. You do not want to be defined by your homosexual past. 

Frank Worthen, one of the founders of Exodus, said that for those of us in leadership in ex-gay ministry, our homosexual past is the nail scars in our hands. It cannot go away because our personal testimony is an essential part of our ministry. Others, however, who are not public in this type of ministry, are right in not wanting to be known as “the former homosexual’. No one in the Body of Christ should be defined by their past sins. And yet with the attitude of many Christians towards homosexuality, and with the fact that so few former homosexuals are visible in the church, that identity, once known, is apt to stick with us. It can become the filter through which we are viewed by our brothers and sisters. 

 

6. Being open enables you to help others.

Many people have confessed to me with some degree of sorrow and shame how another person shared their personal struggle with sexual brokenness with them, and they, having vowed not to reveal their own past, stood silently without sharing the hope that they knew they could offer. When I speak in a church of any size, invariably I am contacted by someone from that church who is dealing with a serious sexual problem — someone who very likely had been suffering in silence for years. I don’t believe it is so much my “expertise” that brought them forward; it was the fact that I had shared my testimony and that made me safe. They knew I could understand their dilemma. 

 

7. Your testimony can give glory to God. 

The more the world says we can’t change, the more glory God receives when we do. Sharing the Good News is not an option for the Christian; it is part of our marching orders. For me, and perhaps for you, a part of the Good News is that God has won the victory over homosexuality in our lives. We can declare His marvelous works, or we can deny Him. This is a hard message, but is it not true? 

 

Five of these principles seem to argue for sharing our past. Two the possibility of real negative consequences, and being defined by our past — seem to argue against sharing. There is one other reason for not sharing that has not been mentioned, and it is probably the key issue with many people. It is pride rooted in low self-esteem. 

 

Low self-esteem is a key element in the homosexual condition. Many of us learned to escape the pain of low self-esteem through various means of self-protection. Some of us, determining our value by how we believe others see us, created a false identity that would win the respect and admiration of others. To share with someone the truth about ourselves would be to put at risk this false person whom we have so carefully created; the person who is the creation of our pride. 

 

But this is to hang on to the old brokenness. It is not valid. Self-protection and a false image will never get rid of low self-esteem. Living out life as the person we really are is what will get rid of it. Living according to who we really are forces us to accept ourselves, and then enables us to finally find out if anyone will sincerely love and accept the person we truly are. No longer will the enemy be able to whisper, “If they really knew, they would reject you, too.” Appropriate self disclosure can be a part of the healing process. Allowing fear and shame to keep us boxed into a false identity hinders the healing process. Surely the Twelfth Step of AA — that we carry the message to others — is based in part on these principles. AA considers the Twelfth Step essential in maintaining recovery. 

 

So, how do we decide? Whom do we tell? What is the “appropriate disclosure” that was just mentioned? If you accept the seven principles here, you will have to conclude that every one of us needs to share with — to be truly known by — someone. Further, I believe that the freer we are to share the better. The possibility of negative consequences and the chance of being forever labeled “ex-gay” may govern the timing and the breadth of our disclosure, but they should not be a justification for not sharing at all. Finally, the degree and longevity of our healing should influence how public we are with our lives, and how we use our own lives as a sign of hope for other individuals. 

 

The Psalmist tells us: “One generation shall praise thy works to another, and shall declare thy mighty acts” (Psalm 145:4). Let us resolve to do that. 

 

 

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Copyright © 1992 Regeneration, Inc. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission from Regeneration News.